All Your Problems Are Your Fault. But That's A Good Thing?

We all know people who complain about everything going wrong in their life, right?  And as they go on and on, it's all you can do to nod, and bite your tongue because you know it's their own dang fault that bad things happen to them!  Either they are always dating losers (or criminals!), or they are always jumping into things without doing their homework, or they have horrible work habits, or they're unreliable, or lazy, or downright dishonest.  And they wonder why their life is always a mess.

What if I'm that person?

I want you to imagine for a moment: "What if I'm that person?"

And I know it kills you to even think this way (it does me), but bear with me for a moment, and I'll show you how you can turn it around.  I like to think of it as the reverse Costanza, and it's super easy to do.  And nobody wants to be that guy/girl.  Don't be that guy/girl.  Here's how.

So if you can, think for a moment that you're the source of all of your own problems, and maybe there's someone you're complaining to that is secretly rolling their eyes.  And it's because what's obvious to everyone else is really hard for you (for any of us, really) to see for yourself, especially for those of us who are great at rationalizing our behavior and finding scapegoats for our own vulnerabilities (that's me!).

What if it's my Fault?

Think back to the worst thing that has happened to you recently.  Was it your fault that it happened?  Of course not, right?  Ok, let me try another angle.  Is there honestly anything that you could have done to prevent it?  What if you could have had some knowledge of the future, and knew that this would be the result.  Would you have done anything different?  If so, what?

Now think of what would have happened had you acted differently.  Would the result have changed?  How exactly would it have changed?  Probably would have been better, right?  But...  Is that the best possible outcome?  I'm going to guess it's probably a much better outcome, but I want to tell you a way to be sure you have the best possible outcome every time.  And best of all that's the easy part.

Reverse Costanza

Do you remember the episode of Seinfeld where George was frustrated with his life, and he decided he was going to do the opposite of what he had always done.  So instead of being embarrassed, and resigned, he walked right up to the girl in the coffee shop, and told her all of the things wrong with himself (usually he would try and hide them for as long as possible).

Watch the clip here

Now I'm not advocating that you do the opposite of everything that you have ever done.  But do you put your own instincts to the test?  I started doing this about 10 years ago, and I remember I told my boss about it, and he thought I was crazy.  But he was gone in less than a year.

Here's what I do:  I think about what I would normally do - what is my first instinct.  Then I imagine what will happen - what will be the outcome.  And then - I imagine what would be the exact opposite?  Would the results be better or worse?  And when I started doing this, I found that 9 times out of 10, the opposite was actually better.  And the 10th time, there was something good I could take from the opposite, and incorporate it into my plan, and get a better result than I would have on instinct alone.

So here's an example:  I am really frustrated with my boss and job, and I want to go in and quit.  But I'm not really going to.  Most likely I'm going to wait for him to come and ask for something impossible, and I'll just take my frustration out on him then, and see where it goes.  Probably with me getting out some frustration, but also getting yelled at for just trying to find an excuse not to do my job.  So what's the opposite?  That's not exactly easy.  Maybe instead of waiting for him to come to me, I go into him, and tell him what I'm feeling frustrated about.  Instead of not having a plan for what I'm going to say, maybe I make a list of the specific things that are causing me grief.  Wow.  That's probably a better outcome, right?

Just try it, and let me know if you think of a better approach because you consider the opposite of your instincts.

And maybe if I'm feeling really ambitious, I'll use that momentum to make my plan even better.  What if going in right now is not a good time for him?  What if he just got off a stressful conference call, and he's the one who needs to relieve some stress?  Maybe I bide my time a little bit, and wait for an opportune moment?

Do you see how just taking a moment to consider the outcomes is a huge improvement over going off the cuff?

Exerting Your Best Effort

Here's one of my favorite quotes on this subject, and it comes from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.  In this scene, Harry was given a crucial task to retrieve a memory from the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Horace Slughorn.  Dumbledore asks about the status of this important task, and Harry is ashamed to report that he has not completed the task.  How Professor Dumbledore responds is a great way to illustrate this idea.  He doesn't really rebuke Harry, but rather emphasizes Harry's unique ability to succeed.

“I see,” said Dumbledore eventually, peering at Harry over the top of his half-moon spectacles and giving Harry the usual sensation that he was being X-rayed. “And you feel that you have exerted your very best efforts in this matter, do you? That you have exercised all of your considerable ingenuity? That you have left no depth of cunning unplumbed in your quest to retrieve the memory?”

I like to think of this when I feel I have not achieved the outcome I was hoping for.  Can I honestly say I have exerted my best efforts in the matter?  Have I exercised all my considerable ingenuity?  Have I left no depth of cunning unplumbed in my quest?

This is usually where I start to see the vast plain of possibility open up before me, and so many ways I didn't consider accomplishing the task appear.

Inagine the Future and Look Back Now

But is it possible to visualize yourself and your likely failure in advance?  So you can hold yourself accountable before you even set out on a task?  That way you will see the plain of possibilities before you proceed.  I am going to challenge you to believe that it is possible, and if you will try and allow yourself to believe that you can look back figuratively, you'll free yourself from regretfully looking back literally, and wishing you could have done better.  Because you 'could' have, you just didn't.  There's no better time than now to start practicing, and exercising all of your considerable ingenuity, and plumbing your depth of cunning, and your problems will suddenly seem to have less power over you.

So why is it a good thing that all your problems are your fault?  Because if you're the cause, you can do something about it.  Good luck! Let me know how it goes!