I love this one because it's so counter-intuitive. You
should never give up hope, right? Keep your eye on the finish line.
Focus on the results. These are all ways of helping us get to our
goals. But do they apply all the time? Do they even apply most of
the time? What if holding onto hope is what’s keeping you from reaching
your potential?
Holding Out for Others or Focusing on the Finish Line Constrains Your Passion
I found myself in such a scenario while serving a 2-year proselytizing
mission for my church. I remember a
fellow missionary ask how long I’d been out, and not wanting to sound like I
was too green, I responded: “About a year.”
And he replied: “You’re at the darkest point of your mission.” What a strange thing to say, I thought. Then
he said, “Because you can’t see the light at either end of the tunnel.”
It was true.
It was hard to remember not being a missionary. It was hard to think of ever going home more
than a year from now. It was a really
depressing thought. After I had a moment
to consider my bleak situation, I started to realize it was ok to not think
about home. In fact, thinking about home
was about the least productive thing I could do. I needed to think about what I was doing and
why I was there. Giving up hope gave me
a chance to let go of my former self and life, and make something good out of
where I was. Or even better, become passionate about my current pursuit. I had a lot of time to
work on that.
What about smaller tasks?
A while back, my daughters had made an enormous knot out of about 15
metal necklaces. It was a huge
frustrating blight on our living room couch that I was not in a mood to
tackle. It was about the last thing on
my list of important tasks to do around the house. My mother came to stay that week, and one day
she sat in the middle of the couch with the kids, and was watching cartoons or
something, and she picked up the blob of twisted metal. I was a bit horrified, and about to spurt out
some apology for my horrible daughters and their disregard for their things,
but instead I just watched as she put on her glasses, and started tugging at it
here and there, and turning it over. A
few “My Little Pony” episodes later, she was untying the last two strands, and laying
out the necklaces over her leg, and seemed delighted with her handiwork. I’ll admit, I was astonished by her
attitude. What could have possessed her
to have the patience to squander her productivity on such a meaningless task? Then I realized I had been sitting on the
chair next to them, and had less to show for my time.
The time spent really wasn’t the root of the issue. And I’m not trying to advocate that we spend
every waking moment working tasks rather than getting lost in a cartoon with
your kids. Or getting lost in a cartoon alone,
I won’t judge.
You Have More Control than You Think (Which Can Be Scary)
So had she given up hope of finishing untying the
necklaces? No – It’s that she had no expectation
going into it. She just decided that it
would be fun to play with them for a little while, and before she noticed it,
she was finished. That’s a powerful
insight – at least in my opinion. And
when I stand in front of a gulf of despair over a task I’m dreading, I
sometimes imagine my mom dancing a little bit in her seat as she plays with a
knot of necklaces, and I think maybe I can change my perspective a little. Maybe I can just toy with the task a little,
and pretend like I’m having fun, or let myself see it as fun to be lost in a pursuit. Suddenly the destination is less
important. Hope of completion becomes
less important, and even less motivating.
One of the greatest motivators of all is joy. And when you’re looking toward finishing, you’re
telling your brain that this activity is the opposite of joy.
And that’s fine for a task that you only have to do
once. But the next time you have to try
and face that task, alarm bells are going to go off in your brain screaming “RUN
AWAY!”
Most of us feel that way about a good percentage of the
activities that we do every day. Do you
dread waking up in the morning, or facing the day? Do you dread going to work? Do you dread tidying the house, or
driving? Maybe you have a list of things
you dread each day, and if you think about each one of them, I’ll bet you can
think of at least one time where that experience was awful. Or at least that’s the way you remember
it. But was it really awful? I mean objectively, scientifically, how many
things can we really put into an awful
category? Is driving awful to a teenager
who’s been cooped up in the house, and is craving their freedom? Is working awful for everyone? Think of your job – are there any people in
the world who could enjoy your job? Is
there anything redemptive about it? What
about cleaning: is the act of organizing the random assortment of items
scattered around that inherently unpleasant?
What about sorting, and categorizing, or finding homes for the
things. Have you ever stopped to think
that could be something rewarding? Do
you know people who crave
organizing? Have you ever asked them
what they like about it? I guarantee if
you’re open minded, and let yourself see it through their eyes, you’ll catch
the vision pretty quickly. But it’s hard
when your own experiences make you feel averse to the activity.
The more scientists explore the brain, and our conscious
mind, the more amazed they are by the astounding elasticity of the brain and its
ability to adjust to changing circumstance.
Many journals see correlation between the way our brains may have
evolved and the brains elasticity. They’re
beginning to see some evolutionary reasons why the brain is so capable of
allowing you to generate your assumptions about your circumstance, rather than
have more of those instincts hard-wired in our DNA. How else can your brain know what kind of
circumstance you’ll find yourself in the future and adjust for it, if not
depending on the conscious mind? How can
it prepare and thrive in ever-changing environments, and ever-evolving
threats? Possibly by relying on the new
pre-frontal cortex (where our conscious mind seems to reside) to assess the
threats and store them using a kind of mental ‘muscle-memory’ to quickly tag
those threats, and help you avoid them without having to re-evaluate every
time. While this is great when the
threats are obvious - like a rustling in a bush somewhere – it becomes more
challenging when the threats in your life are in fact, your life. How is your brain supposed to understand that
you just hate your job, but it’s what actually provides for your weeknight and
weekend well-being. It’s not really
evolved for that. But you are! Your conscious is perfectly evolved to make
this distinction, but you’re probably not taking advantage of that entire
evolutionary horsepower. Let me show you
how.
How to Harness Your Pre-Frontal Cortex Power Over Your Mental Muscle-Memory
1: Challenge Your Assumptions
First you need to challenge your assumptions. Is your job horrible, or are you just
lazy? Is your circumstance detestable,
or are you just making third-world lions out of first-world problems? In the scope of history, is your life really
so bad? Think of the middle ages – what
would a serf in the 1100s trade for your life?
How would a Peruvian field-worker who has to walk 10 miles through the
jungle feel about your morning commute?
How would a hotel maid feel about trading her 300 hotel rooms for your
one unkempt kitchen? If you can imagine
a worse situation than yours, you’re getting close.
2: Find the Hidden Virtue
Next you need to find the hidden virtue, and focus on it. What do you like about your job? For a month, try and act like an observer,
and jot down the things you like about what you do. Remind yourself why you like it. I started wondering about why exactly I like
what I do a while back because I wanted to use that information to help me
understand my talents and passions in the hopes that I could spend more time
doing the things I love. I would catch
myself suppressing a laugh once in a while, and I knew that was a good
indication that I was getting a dose of joy at that moment. You know the feeling when you get an ‘aha’
moment about something, or you’re so pleasantly surprised by something that you
have a little laugh out of pure astonishment?
For me it came when we solved an unsolvable problem, or answered and
unanswerable question. Or we found the
expert who could answer our question. But
it was even more gratifying when against all odds, I was able to get to the
solution on my own, or while talking through it with others on my team. It’s
that feeling of conquering, or blazing a trail that had never been taken, and
finding success. I’m sure you have
moments that make you feel that way. And
most likely they are very brief, and if you’re not paying attention, they’ll
pass you by. But if you’re watching, you’ll
see patterns of hidden virtue, even in the most grueling pursuits. If you can see those diamonds in the rough,
you’ll be in a better position to start going after them.
3: Change Your Script
Once you are aware of the gems in your life, you need to
change your script. You need to rewrite
your inner monologue. You know that
little voice inside your head that tells you everything is hopeless, and that
you hate everything? You need to start
arguing with it! And start calling it
out on its stupidity. You’re the smart
one, and you’re the only one who can make that voice see the good in things
when all it talks about is bleakness.
Even if you’re not sure you believe it yourself, start telling it what
you want to believe. That you have power
over the world – That you are grateful for everything you have – That you are
the captain of your destiny! Everything
that you think you hate, start telling yourself the opposite – that you love
those things! And if you keep it up long
enough, something amazing will happen.
That inner voice will start to affirm your convictions, and start to get
excited with you about the potential you start seeing around you. Even when you start to give up hope, your
inner voice will cheer you on. You’ll
start to stand out in a crowd, and people will ask you why you’re so happy all
the time. And you’ll forget why you were
ever unhappy. Your greatest weaknesses
will become your strengths, and your greatest challenges will become your
greatest triumphs. And when you set out
on a journey, you’ll no longer hope for the end, you’ll have a passion about
those tiny moments along the way that you conquered, and before you know it you’ll
look back and wish you were still in the thick of it!